Who Am I ?

Ever wonder if you are .. who you really are?

As someone who is always meeting people in the course of my job, I sometimes wonder which one is the real me .. the exuberant, optimistic guy, or the depressed and confused fool who needs to weigh everything before even making the simplest of decisions.

I also wonder why I sometimes entertain thoughts of mayhem and violence in my head .. is that the real me? Is my subconcious trying to tell me something?

Sometimes I pick up my pellet gun ( the el-cheapo type kids play with ) and target my cat .. or my dog. Why do I do that? Is this some residue left behind in me from the times we were living in caves and hunting dinosaurs for dinner?

Kinda makes you wonder, don't it?

I guess the only time I admit who I really am is when I'm in alone on an outstation assignment and in bed and about to fall asleep .. I feel like I'm missing out on something in this life. Oh, don't get me wrong. I enjoy my job and I love my family but I feel like I'm not doing it all ....

I hate how mundane and boring life has become ; how safe and predictable things are. I've always lived life on the edge .. andrenalin coursing thru my veins in anticipation of what's around the next corner. Now everything is so safe and conservative.

Maybe that's good cos I'm not getting any younger. But it doesnt help that my mind and body is still yearning for something .... I don't know what.

Perhaps it's just a mid-life crisis.
Dammit. I'm old.

Guess I can always depend on my pellet-gun .. if only I can remember where I put it .......